Several years ago, I moved two states away to be with someone I met online. Much like the sentence “there was once this guy…” or “there was once this girl…”, you assume to know the gist of the story. In this particular case, you would probably be correct. It didn’t go well.
One day, after I had already moved hundreds of miles from my family to be with him, he said to me “I just want you to know that sometimes I can be a real asshole to people”. I looked at him and said “Great… not to me and not to my son!” It was as if he was expecting me to say it was okay and that when that happened, I would just have to accept it.
Needless to say… he is no longer a part of my life.
Today, I work with a woman who doesn’t know how to control her emotions or treat individuals with dignity. In several meetings she has said to everyone within ear shot “I know I can be a real bitch sometimes, but…”.
I realized very quickly that there was a huge similarity between these two people. Both of them were warning me of how badly they were going to treat me. To their credit, they both did exactly what they threatened.
It’s easy to justify an action when you are the one doing it. To them, being an asshole or being a bitch is perfectly normal and perfectly acceptable because they have let people know it’s coming. You’ve been warned so don’t complain about my action.
The woman, who happens to be my supervisor, is still in my life, although I’m not sure for how much longer. She has claimed at various times that she is leaving because of the BS here and the fact no one is smart enough to figure out how to do their work. After watching and listening to her complain about everyone, it doesn’t take much to realize that eventually she will do the same to me.
At various times she’s come undone about things and, after some deep soul searching and mirror gazing, I’ve come to realize it’s not my fault. Her complaints are basically that I’m not more like her, even though our work methods are very similar. She’s thrown her hands in the air after a candid conversation stating she’s had enough and was leaving; and to her credit, she left… for the day. She’s come to my desk and raised her voice about things I wasn’t even aware were an issue.
I brought this up to my boss and was told that I’m not the only one complaining and that she’s been warned to get her act together. My confidence in her ability to change after decades of being like this is not very high.
During the last incident, she said I was an idiot (not in words, but in mannerism, hand gestures, and eye rolls) and that was the last straw for me. Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention of quitting at this moment but I’m definitely open to new opportunities. Staying in a place (at home or at work) where I am abused, is only going to harm me and allow the person to continue.
Today, I’m playing out the waiting game. I have told my boss that I don’t like working with this woman and have no intention of giving her permission to abuse me. Telling me she can be a bitch does not mean I have to accept it.
If I can convey to others one message about abuse of any kind, when you are able to get away from it, do exactly that! There are different degrees of abuse whether it be physical or mental. Physical abuse is a high priority and must be escaped as soon as possible. Mental abuse is exhausting and keeps a person bound to the abuser because ‘at least they aren’t hitting me’.
Do not give anyone permission to abuse you! No one thinks they are giving permission but taking no action to inform that person you won’t accept it or remaining in that situation, is a form of permission in the eyes of the person doing the abusing. You’re not saying “abuse me” but you’re still accessible to the abuser.
Today, I am moving away from allowing her to abuse me. I’m still here, that is true, but I’ve spoken up to someone else who can help me and that is a step in the right direction. I don’t have to apologize for things I haven’t done wrong and she can feel bad and worry about this relationship if she chooses. Eventually she will leave but in the meantime, I will stand close to those who care what I think.
This post was originally seen on Alexandria (aleksandreia.com).
