I wake this morning with a terrible headache and not enough coffee to alleviate it. It is a late day in February with the bitter cold creeping in through my energy efficient window. It touches my skin like an ice pick just pulled from the freezer.
I shiver and think about the bitterness of it. Like my thoughts of late. Bitter and jaded, unexplained and yet somehow justified. If I could escape all thoughts and float inside a boat of cotton on the quietest lake in the quietest valley, I would do so in an instant. Leave it all behind. The ‘all’ would not be everything, not really, just the insanity of our mixed-up world today and yesterday.
I can only speak of past and present for the future is unknown, only guess work. The individual I once was is considered a group in society that I don’t really fit. As if I could be forced into a fenced field of others just like me. That is the truth though, we are all alike and none of us want to be just like everyone else. I’m certainly not, at least not right now.
Moments lead to what we are, but not necessarily what we truly are. My desire for attention today may lead to my desire to be alone tomorrow. What contradictive creatures’ we humans are, making life easier in some ways and so much more complex in others. All for the pursuit of happiness, or so we think.
In today’s world where everyone wants to be famous for doing very little, we are really the saddest beings on the planet. The ‘look at me’ generation we all live in today, everyone of us from 5 years old when stupid parents put electronic babysitters in tiny hands to the oldest person writing their 260th blog post hoping for their next subscriber. We all want it, we all crave it.
I fight with myself, that part of me that wants the attention, that wants the fame of people wanting to know me more. I fight with myself, that part of me that wants to erase it all, delete every account, remove myself from every list and just disappear.
Is that even possible anymore? To truly disappear AND still have things?
So I woke up with a terrible headache wondering how I can escape yet be a part of the world. It’s hard to think straight when the bitter cold creeps in.
This post was originally seen on Alexandria (aleksandreia.com).
